Product: Prenate DHA prenatal vitamins
Perhaps it’s a torture of my own making, going so quickly from wedding planning to gestation. Having just been released from the clutches of the bridal industrial complex–which reminded me regularly that failure to make certain expenditures doomed me to a life of misery–I now face the gaping jaws of the baby industry which would politely like to inform me that failure to make certain expenditures dooms my offspring to a life of misery.
State’s Exhibit A: The little nipper on my prenatal vitamins above. He’s wearing a graduation cap. Why that’s odd, considering that he just recently sprang forth from the womb. Unless they’re implying that he just graduated from Uterine University (motto, “In Umbilical Funis Speramus“) he should really have no need yet for such ceremonial garb. Not so! Because clearly, moms who don’t take Prenate DHA have children who end up collecting tolls at the entrance to the Holland Tunnel. (And don’t think it coincidence that the dame on the box is a pretty reasonable cartoon facsimile of me. If I know the pharmaceutical industry, they have enough satellite imagerymarket research to gin up a box that speaks directly to my redheaded, green-eyed, headband-wearing self.) Please also note that the mortar board baby is winking, as if to say, “What’s it going to be, mother? Yale or employee of the month at Chuey’s Chalupa Shak? Your call.”
It’s going to be a long six months.