[Editor’s note: It is important that you know going into this that my husband does not brook female authors. He is extremely well read and comes up with a big, fat goose egg on female writers he considers worthy of anything but a hearty “meh.” And don’t try suggesting Harper Lee and To Kill a Mockingbird, a book he greatly admires. He subscribes to the theory that Capote really wrote it.]
Me: The baby is hearing sounds now. We should start reading to it.
Me: Aaand maybe start not cussing in front of it.
Husband: No, (looking around room for something) I wanted to save that A&M (football recruiting) printout to read to it.
Me: I was thinking more along the lines of literature.
Husband: I can read it the Norman Mailer I just bought.
Me: Yes, it’ll love that. It’ll soothe it right back to sleep. I was thinking more along the lines of Richard Scarry or Dr. Seuss. Incidentally, are we going to incorporate any female authors into the mix?
Husband: It depends. Who’s doing the reading?
Me: (deep sigh) Fine, I’ll read it the female writers. We’ll start with Dorothy Parker.
Husband: (skeptical) Yeah, but what’s that going to do to it?
Me: Likely, come out with some unhealthy issues with men. And saying “Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses,” as its first words.
AFTERNOON UPDATE: I just received the following letter from my husband’s PR firm:
Dear Our Client’s Wife,
It has come to our attention that you have, without our client’s prior approval, published the transcript of a private conversation for public humor purposes. Our client believes that he is portrayed in a negative light because of the lack of nuance that is inherent when moving from the spoken word to the printed form of a conversation. Basically, our client thinks that he sort of came off sounding like a d*ck. For example, one could infer that his expletive was referring to the fact that the baby could now hear, when in fact it was referring to his exasperation with himself over having misplaced the Aggie football printout that he wanted to read the baby immediately upon its development of auditory canals. Furthermore, he strongly asserts that he is joking—totally joking just to get to you!—when he claims to not like any female authors or to believe that whole Lee/Capote thing, although we would be negligent in not disclosing that he was looking all shifty eyed from side to side and chuckling nervously when he said this.
In summary, our client believes that one could walk away from today’s post wondering why you are married to this guy who again, sort of sounds like a d*ck. While that question should answer itself as he is clearly a sexy beast, we must firmly request that you make your readership aware of his concerns, so as not to damage his reputation as a sensitive, lady-author-loving sexy beast. In the future, please send us advance copies of all transcripts that at any point involved a mouth full of toothpaste. You know our client isn’t thinking straight when he’s trying to brush his teeth.