I swear I read somewhere that pregnant women should eat whatever they want, provided it is not on that list of things that are poisonous to pregnant women. However, yesterday the doctor informed me that I was a little er, how to put this gently, porkier than I need to be. To her credit, she prefaced it with a slow “Okayyyyy, sooo,” before delivering her opinion.
Part of my problem is that I’m having to eat every two hours or I do a little move I like to call pass out in the middle of the smoothie shop requiring an impromptu trip to the emergency room. The doctor said that’s totally normal (the eating, not so much the passing out) but it’s a matter of what I eat when it’s snack time. According to Dr. Healthy McFunkill I’m supposed to be eating (finger quotes) “fruits” and “vegetables” and “things that don’t come in a bag marked ‘Jumbo Size.'” This is all well and good if you’re one of those glowing women who lives on the cover of a pregnancy magazine smiling while eating carrot sticks. But it does not jive if you’re one of those women who is actually pregnant in real life and wants to snack from a diverse group of roughly three foods that all involve the words “chips” or “bar.”
But if she’d only let me completely go through my list of go-to snacks with her I think she’d see that really I’m eating quite healthfully:
Potato chips — Has a vegetable in the name. I rest my case.
French fries — Made out of potatoes. See above. Add ketchup and it’s practically salad.
Mini Cadbury Creme Eggs — Serving of dairy + miniature size = Dairy vitamin
Starburst — Fruity flavor is just another word for “serving of fruit.” One package has an entire day’s fruit serving requirements.
Cheese — Dairy, legitimate this time. Apparently they don’t mean half a brick of cheddar though. Party poopers.
Peeps — I’ve been encouraged to eat more protein. Peeps look like chickens, ergo, I am eating more protein.
Chocolate chip cookies — Contain chocolate chips, which contain antioxidants, which are awesome.
I was trying to finish my list but Dr. Pollyanna Perfectsnacker started blabbing over me. I have no idea what she was yapping about though. Couldn’t hear her over the sound of the foil unwrapping on my Creme Egg.