The Food Pyramid, As Conceived by a Five-Year-Old

porkyshirtI swear I read somewhere that pregnant women should eat whatever they want, provided it is not on that list of things that are poisonous to pregnant women. However, yesterday the doctor informed me that I was a little er, how to put this gently, porkier than I need to be. To her credit, she prefaced it with a slow “Okayyyyy, sooo,” before delivering her opinion.

Part of my problem is that I’m having to eat every two hours or I do a little move I like to call pass out in the middle of the smoothie shop requiring an impromptu trip to the emergency room.  The doctor said that’s totally normal (the eating, not so much the passing out) but it’s a matter of what I eat when it’s snack time. According to Dr. Healthy McFunkill I’m supposed to be eating (finger quotes) “fruits” and “vegetables” and “things that don’t come in a bag marked ‘Jumbo Size.'” This is all well and good if you’re one of those glowing women who lives on the cover of a pregnancy magazine smiling while eating carrot sticks. But it does not jive if you’re one of those women who is actually pregnant in real life and wants to snack from a diverse group of roughly three foods that all involve the words “chips” or “bar.”

But if she’d only let me completely go through my list of go-to snacks with her I think she’d see that really I’m eating quite healthfully:

chipsPotato chips — Has a vegetable in the name. I rest my case.


French fries — Made out of potatoes. See above. Add ketchup and it’s practically salad.

cadburyeggMini Cadbury Creme Eggs — Serving of dairy + miniature size = Dairy vitamin

starburstStarburst — Fruity flavor is just another word for “serving of fruit.” One package has an entire day’s fruit serving requirements.

cheeseCheese — Dairy, legitimate this time. Apparently they don’t mean half a brick of cheddar though. Party poopers.

peepsPeeps — I’ve been encouraged to eat more protein. Peeps look like chickens, ergo, I am eating more protein.

cookiesChocolate chip cookies — Contain chocolate chips, which contain antioxidants, which are awesome.

I was trying to finish my list but Dr. Pollyanna Perfectsnacker started blabbing over me. I have no idea what she was yapping about though. Couldn’t hear her over the sound of the foil unwrapping on my Creme Egg.


10 Responses to “The Food Pyramid, As Conceived by a Five-Year-Old”

  1. Jessica Says:

    As long as you pass your glucose test, you have nothing to worry about – doctor schmoctor…

  2. Aileen Says:

    I gained a portly 50 pounds when I was pregnant (not to worry, all gone now). Given the 25 to 35 pound “ideal” weight gain, I like to think this was an achievement on my part.

  3. K Says:

    My mother’s doctor was so strict with her weight that she weighed less when she came home from the hospital than when she got pregnant. She lived in constant concern about (a hair less intense than “fear of”) his disapproval.

    I can only assume your doctor has been practicing since the ’70s and has not modernized her practices. Snack on.

  4. Michelle Says:

    I can attest to the fact that you have very healthy dry-roasted peanuts in your office…though I haven’t actually seen you eating any….

  5. babybird Says:

    Thanks all. It seemed a little wacky. I mean I feel like I look pretty much the same except for the belly protuberance. And K, my extremely slender mother-in-law’s doctor put her on diet pills when she was pregnant! And yep, Michelle, I do nibble at them a couple times a day. Protein! Protein!

  6. Phil Says:

    I almost forgot it was time for the Cadbury Creme Eggs to start re-emerging.

    I must go stock up!

  7. Allie Says:

    When Christy was pregnant with her first child she asked if I wanted to go get ice cream one day. When we got to the place the order taker was oddly friendly to her. When I questioned Christy I found out that it was her 5th trip there that day, but in her defense one time she opted for an Italian ice.

  8. babybird Says:

    Phil–Apparently in England they make Cadbury Creme Egg McFlurries at McDonald’s at this time of year. Truly an advanced civilization…

    Allie–Ahahahaha! If the Italian ice was in a fruit flavor she’d had a serving of fruit, by my logic.

  9. johanna Says:

    Add Fluff, and that is my dream menu. DREEEEEAM menu.

  10. Weight Watchers « Baby Bird Says:

    […] been difficult at times. Specifically, at times when blabby ladies of a certain age are implying my Cadbury Creme Eggs are coming home to […]

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