From the Handhelds of Babes

th-10_dsocoreyandellenA friend called my attention to something that, were it being produced for sale, might have been the greatest Why the Baby Industry Hates Us Friday product of all time. It’s the Kickbee, designed by a dude who wanted to allow his unborn son’s kicks to register on Twitter so he could partake in the development along with his wife.

The Kickbee relies on sensors hidden in that stylish obi his wife’s wearing in the picture. The sensors do something technical-y and transmit via a Bluetoothish thingamajob and somehow through the magic of nerd science it all ends up on Twitter as:


I find no fault with the inventor dude. Sure his device is vaguely weird but at its core it’s sort of sweet. And Lord knows I’m not about to risk losing my loyal contingent of engineering school alum readers here.

No, I find fault with the baby. “I kicked Mommy,” over and over? That’s the best this kid can come up with? He’s in there for like five months at this point and he’s got nothing else to share with the world? Little guy’s not exactly on track for a Pulitzer, if you know what I’m sayin’.

So I picked up the phone and asked the Kickbee inventor to send me one, lest the world be robbed of my own child’s tweets. Here follows her Twitter feed for the last 24 hours:




It’s about bloody time she let me talk on this blog. Last I checked, it was about me, no?
4 seconds ago from Twitterbelly feed

Fresh OJ for breakfast. A 2009 California. Excellent year, busy but never precocious bouquet, the flavors opened up nicely.
about 1 hour ago from Twitterbelly feed

What the what?! Why are we getting up now?! I had a lot of work to do around the bed today!
about 1 hour ago from Twitterbelly feed

Boooooring. I’m going to start poking her in the bladder so she has to get up. She’ll enjoy that. It’s my signature 3 a.m. move.
about 4 hours ago from Twitterbelly feed

Why are we going to bed?! Blast! I’m not tired! Stop singing that…lullabye…I can’t resist its charm…zzz.
about 9 hours ago from Twitterbelly feed

@jimmyfallon #LateNight God bless you for trying.
about 8 hours ago from Twitterbelly feed

Wonder who Colbert’s got on tonight. Oh sweet fancy Moses it’s Jonah Goldberg! GAH! Change the channel! Change the channel!
about 8 hours ago from Twitterbelly feed

I’ve said it before I’ll say it again, Colbert is a genius. “You’re on notice!” Heh heh, I wouldn’t want to be a bear right now.
about 8 hours ago from Twitterbelly feed

Speaking of tea, I could go for a nice decaf oolong. Send it down, woman!
about 12 hours ago from Twitterbelly feed

Pity these tea party buffoons don’t realize the taxes they’re protesting were the same under that last nincompoop.
about 12 hours ago from Twitterbelly feed

@rachemaddow Enough with the juvenile teabagging jokes. We get it, it also means something dirty. Move on dot org.
about 12 hours ago from Twitterbelly feed

Orioles in first place. Sox in last. That’s a world I want to be born in. I’m assuming there’s no historical precedent for that ranking changing by my August arrival. Capital.
about 16 hours ago from Twitterbelly feed

Can’t help but notice the flow of Cadbury Creme Eggs has slowed considerably in the last two days. What gives, woman?
about 19 hours ago from Twitterbelly feed

Take a memo for me, mother. Convey to that chap who just spoke that that’s literally the dumbest idea I’ve heard in my five months of existence. And I’ve heard you suggest that you want to try using cloth diapers.
about 22 hours ago from Twitterbelly feed

Meeting time = kickin’ time. Good luck with the poker face, woman.
about 22 hours ago from Twitterbelly feed

@barryobama No, I was being serious, guy. Bo is a stupid name for a dog.
about 23 hours ago from Twitterbelly feed

God, again with the working. “Ooh I’m an important writer making the world better for children blahbity blah,” Puhlease operate that rodent-like clicking device and see what Auntie Jo has on Elle.
about 24 hours ago from Twitterbelly feed

You tell Judy that if she stays a doormat he’s never going to propose to her. Also tell her not to forget the new cover sheet for her TPS report. Also tell her that shade of red isn’t working for her.
about 26 hours ago from Twitterbelly feed

Wheee! We’re in the motor coach! Bouncy bouncy! Off to the office to earn 1/80th of my future daycare expenses!
about 26 hours ago from Twitterbelly feed

14 Responses to “From the Handhelds of Babes”

  1. Justin Says:

    Is it just me, or does your baby sound a lot like Stewie?

  2. babybird Says:

    That’s exactly what she sounds like. In fact I heard her use the phrase “uterine Gulag” the other day.

  3. Jaime Says:

    I’m a tea-partying buffoon, but I still laughed very hard at Sabine’s twittering. Hilarious! I hope she continues to tweet!

    P.S. Tell Sabine we’re not buffoons, we just don’t want her to have to pay for the debt incurred by the ludicrous spending bills being floated by both dems and repubs!

    P.P.S. Give the girl a creme egg, for pete’s sake! ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. Barzelay Says:

    So your baby is T. Herman Zwiebel?

  5. Barzelay Says:

    Er–T. Herman Zweibel?

  6. Phil Says:

    T. Herman Zwieback

    (rim shot)

  7. Baby Bird Says:

    Jaime-I’ll try, love, I’ll try. But she’s just going to get all miffy about the lack of similar concern during Bush’s Iraqwarspendingpalooza. (deep sigh)There’s really been no reasoning with her since she became a Huffington Post contributer. And I’m going to assume you’re a doctor so I can justify the egg consumption as doctor’s orders.
    Barz-Is that something all the kids are saying these days? I’m so uncool. Off to Google that name…
    Phil-It’s funny because it’s baby toast. That one I get…:-)

  8. Barzelay Says:

    T. Herman Zweibel is the fictitious founder of The Onion. His columns are very funny, and sound a lot like your baby.

  9. T. Herman Zweibel Says:

    You know my name. You read my publication, the finest news-paper in this flagging Republic, nightly. Shame on you. But in honor of your Inter-net news-paper, I shall quote from myself when I compared my time in an iron lung to the joyous position your off-spring finds itself in now:

    “Like many people, I have always wanted to return to the womb. But in early days, I was discouraged by my dear mother, and I later became engrossed in business.”

    Thats says it all, I think.

  10. etcetera Says:

    sabebe = stewie = monte.

    may your flow of the funny never cease.

  11. Jaime Says:

    A Huffington Post contributor…heehee…. I hope Sabine will be as funny as her mum someday! ๐Ÿ™‚

  12. Daddy O Says:

    Stop Stop I can’t take any more of this – my sides hurt too much from laughing so hard!!

  13. K Says:

    Driving across Texas last week, I drove across a bridge marked “Sabine River.” It brightened my day! I hope you’ve read the Griffin and Sabine books.

  14. Johanna Says:

    I love that we’re adding Sabebe’s voice to our “imaginary” Monte convos. He was getting kind of lonely, though he’d never admit it.

    To echo K’s sentiment, I read something the other day that mentioned the Sabine River, and I too got all warm and fuzzy inside!!

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