To clear up the confusion that seems to be lingering out there, following is a handy Baby Bird belly touching outcome tip sheet.
1. Are you a stranger who has just come into proximity with me for the first time on the Metro, at a movie theater, or in a media briefing?
Result: Do not touch the belly.
2. Is our only relationship that we happen to work in the same building?
Result: Do not touch the belly. Especially on an elevator where we’re all up in each others’ business, spatially speaking, under the best of circumstances.
3. Did we once meet at a party thrown by that chick’s boyfriend over on the Hill? You remember him, right? The guy who works for that rep from Colorado. Yeah, I think it was his ’07 Octoberfest. Yeah, that’s definitely where we met.
Result: Nice to see you again but do not touch the belly.
4. Was that you I just heard with the hacking cough and sneeze rumbling down the hall?
Result: Do not touch the belly, Swine Flu Sally.
5. Are you a child unknown to me whose hands are smeared with a fine paste of peanut butter, finger paint residue, and something that used to be in one of your nasal passages?
Result: Keep your grimy little mitts off the belly, shortstack.
6. Are you the parent who has just authorized your besmirched child to touch my belly without conferring first with me?
Result: Don’t mind me while I force myself to sneeze all over you and your child. Ah-ah-ahchooodon’ttouchthebelly!
7. Are you under the impression that rubbing a pregnant woman’s belly will bring you good luck?
Result: Get away from the belly and go find a chimney sweep, genius.
8. Are you convinced that you can “read the baby’s aura” by laying hands on it?
Result: Do not touch the belly, hippie.
9. Are you a family member or a friend who has first asked to touch the belly?
Result: Congratulations, you are more than welcome to touch the belly.