The Rules of Attraction


To clear up the confusion that seems to be lingering out there, following is a handy Baby Bird belly touching outcome tip sheet.

1. Are you a stranger who has just come into proximity with me for the first time on the Metro, at a movie theater, or in a media briefing?
Result: Do not touch the belly.

2. Is our only relationship that we happen to work in the same building?
Result: Do not touch the belly. Especially on an elevator where we’re all up in each others’ business, spatially speaking, under the best of circumstances.

3. Did we once meet at a party thrown by that chick’s boyfriend over on the Hill? You remember him, right? The guy who works for that rep from Colorado. Yeah, I think it was his ’07 Octoberfest. Yeah, that’s definitely where we met.
Result: Nice to see you again but do not touch the belly.

4. Was that you I just heard with the hacking cough and sneeze rumbling down the hall?
Result: Do not touch the belly, Swine Flu Sally.

5. Are you a child unknown to me whose hands are smeared with a fine paste of peanut butter, finger paint residue, and something that used to be in one of your nasal passages?
Result: Keep your grimy little mitts off the belly, shortstack.

6. Are you the parent who has just authorized your besmirched child to touch my belly without conferring first with me?
Result: Don’t mind me while I force myself to sneeze all over you and your child. Ah-ah-ahchooodon’ttouchthebelly!

7. Are you under the impression that rubbing a pregnant woman’s belly will bring you good luck?
Result: Get away from the belly and go find a chimney sweep, genius.

8. Are you convinced that you can “read the baby’s aura” by laying hands on it?
Result: Do not touch the belly, hippie.

9. Are you a family member or a friend who has first asked to touch the belly?
Result: Congratulations, you are more than welcome to touch the belly.


16 Responses to “The Rules of Attraction”

  1. Jaime Says:

    Is it true that people necessitating tips 1 though 8 really walk right up to you and touch your belly? I always thought that was a pregnant lady exaggeration. Surely strangers would not walk right up to you and TOUCH you. Eeek!

    I’m rethinking this baby thing.

  2. K Says:


    I think I can, I think I can! πŸ™‚

  3. Daddy-o Says:

    Oh, thank God I am on the right side of the list! After all of those kisses I have given to the belly and telling her β€œIt’s Grandpa”, I was a little concerned while reading through the list. πŸ™‚

  4. babybird Says:

    Jaime–Tee hee, no many of those are for comedic effect. I have had to thwart a few hands cutting a Jaws-like path for it though.

    K–Not at all! Close fam and besties have automatic belly access. No prior clearance needed.

    Daddy-o–Well *I* don’t mind, but I still contend that she’s going to sock you in the nose on your first meeting for all the times you’ve stirred her from her lounging. πŸ˜‰

  5. Michelle Says:

    As anxious as I am to meet little Sabine, I have no desire to touch your belly.
    Your hair, though… that’s a different story

  6. Johanna Says:

    Dollars to donuts you get belly-groped by the first Oklahoman you meet today. Fear not, judgy East Coaster, it will be charming and well-intentioned.

  7. babybird Says:

    Michelle-Ha! The hair it is a vortex-like force of nature. πŸ˜‰

    J-You use the London Bark or however it is you communicate with these fellow natives of yours and tell them to keep their hands off me.

  8. "Friend" Says:

    With all these preconditions you’re attaching to any belly-touching negotiations, I’m starting to wonder if you can provide a tip-sheet for what constitutes a “friend.” Can you be friends like the U.S. and Pakistan are “friends”? Or how about the U.S. and China? Or Iraq? Or do you really have to be a good, close Canadian-type of harmless pal?

  9. babybird Says:

    U.S.-Saudi Arabia during the Bush administrations close. Zing!

  10. Phil Says:

    If I had a very long stick, and stood some distance away, may I poke the belly?

  11. babybird Says:

    Oh sir, I would be honored for any of the Playaz to lay hands on the belly.

  12. RCR Says:

    If I were a rebellious but artistic young suburbanite, may I tag your belly with my likeness and a monosyllabic pseudonym?

  13. babybird Says:

    No. Being the street smart city dweller that I am, I’ve added a fine coating of Scotchguard to my belly to prevent any such tagging.

  14. Sioux Says:

    Just got to reading this one – brilliant!! My pregger friends always have crazy stories about strangers. I for one have never really been interested in touching anyone else’s belly, pregnant or not.

    BTW, we had the Baltimore Ravens’ raven in here for a checkup the other day. It made me think of you. πŸ™‚

  15. Anonymous Says:

    buddha puzza

  16. Waldron Says:

    Do you remember any of the stories they used to tell you?

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