My go-to book thus far has been Your Pregnancy Week By Week, which you will notice is most certainly not What to Expect When You’re Expecting, the book that is practically a required purchase within 14 seconds of learning you’re pregnant. The problem with What to Expect When You’re Expecting is that it was written by evil gnomes who hate pregnant women. As my sister-in-law tried to warn me, “They should call it What to Freak Out About When You’re Expecting.” I found in Week by Week a much better alternative.
One of the great features of this book is the “Dad Tip,” a small box that pops up in each chapter and offers exactly what it promises–a tip for the fathers to be. But I noticed this week that the Dad Tips are starting to take a little turn in tone. Here’s the typical entry thus far:
Dad Tip, Week 5
Clean or vacuum the house without being asked.
Dad Tip, Week 7
Buy a present for your partner and the baby.
Dad Tip, Week 14
If you go out of town, call your partner at least once every day. Let her know you are thinking about her and the baby.
OK, so far so good. Nothing too unexpected or unusual. All very sweet and practical. But then last night we hit the following.
Dad Tip, Week 22
When you ride together in the car with your partner, ask if she needs help adjusting her seat belt or the car seat.
Help adjusting her seatbelt? More than what this might be presuming about me being an invalid at 22 weeks pregnant, I think this tip represents a turning point in what it assumes most wives’ view of their husbands are as this process enters the back nine. Here’s where I imagine this is heading:
Dad Tip, Week 25
Wait, why did you just look at her like that? It’s totally fine if she wants to plow through two Whoppers with cheese and a Hot Pocket. You know you’re not exactly at your fighting weight either.
Dad Tip, Week 30
Ever since she laid off the trash elves, the garbage doesn’t take itself out, pal. Just sayin’.
Dad Tip, Week 32
Hey, remember back in Week 7 when we advised you to buy a present for her and the baby? Yeah, we meant with this pregnancy. Because it’s been like six months and you still haven’t done that. Cough it up, guy.
Dad Tip, Week 33
If you wake her up one more time with your snoring she is well within her rights to make you sleep on the front lawn. Seriously, is there a hamster on a wheel jammed in your nasal passages?
Dad Tip, Week 35
She said open the goddammned window right now! It wasn’t a question!
Dad Tip, Week 38
What look? She didn’t look at you like anything. God, she does not need your paranoia right now.
Dad Tip, Week 40
YOU DID THIS TO HER YOU %&$#ing @%&*ity %*&@er!
Luckily for my husband I harbor no such animosity. I am the very model of the loving, blissful pregnant wife. Dad Tip: don’t toy with me, because I can always stray from that approach.